The butler did it

E se, de repente, tivermos de sair do país, a culpa não é do Brexit, a culpa é deste post… ou então do mordomo!


A few days ago, on my way home from work, I found myself behind this vehicle after a right turn. Wow! Butler school?! Really?!

Of course, why wouldn’t there be a school for butlers? Dah! Well, the initial surprise turned into curiosity and there I was, later that day, surfing the net, looking for the exclusive butler school. Before the search, still on my way home, I had tried to guess what lessons would butlers attend, what would their training be? Hum… opening doors, welcoming guests, folding napkins, polishing crystal glasses, managing house staff, and so on.

Once in the school’s webpage, I found two different courses, according to the duration, and also a bespoke tailored training. Wow! There’s a whole (old) new world my narrow knowledge had no idea existed.

At school, the exclusive butler learns, among other essentials:

– the correct side to serve and clear (I need to know this myself)

– the appropriate way of dealing with various types of spillages/accidents (we definitely need this, don’t we, Leo?)

– the correct way to dress for various occasions (nice!)

– Shoe Care: Spit (Really?!) and Polishing Masterclass

– Packing and unpacking of suitcase (this would be so handy, it really would)

– Floristry – learn how to pick, arrange and store flowers correctly from garden to table (this would be lovely)

– Silver: how to clean, store, present and identify the various types of silver (what do they mean by different types of silver? How many types are there? Oh my! I’m starting to feel really ignorant now)

organising and hosting the perfect event (this would be so handy for our next dinner party)

Now, this is all very important and all, but one VERY important knowledge or study is missing from this syllabus. I know it, you know it, Rinehart knew it and so does every fan of murder/detective stories. The question you’ve all been meaning to ask but are too afraid to…

Where are the real life (or death) changing skills that every butler needs to master in the curriculum? You know what I’m talking about, right?

– How to get away with murder?

– How to get rid of scarlet blood stains on your pearl white gloves?

– How to cover your tracks and incriminate the cook?

Are these skills self-taught? Are these and other important topics learnt in an after-school club? Are there theoretical and/or practical lessons?

Well, I guess we’ll never know unless we enrol in one of the courses. These are a bit pricy I must warn you, but, as you know, good things do come with a price!

DISCLAIMER 1: No butlers were harmed in the making of this post. This is meant for comic purposes only. The REAL truth is that the writer would love to have her own private and exclusive butler but unfortunately she can’t (afford it)!

DISCLAIMER 2: Ladies and gentlemen of the exclusive butler school, if you would like to make a nice donation to lovewellbeing.eu for the explicit publicity, don’t be too shy. In return, we promise to use that money to start saving to be able to attend one of your courses. Thank you!

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